I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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