she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
