i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just want nice things and good sex
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