Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
