I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
