I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
