i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
