I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
