I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
