My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
