I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
