So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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