It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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