Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
