You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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