I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
