Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize