Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
