you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
