my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
