Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
