I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize