Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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