Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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