idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You've changed since you got that strap on
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize