my phone needs a breathalizer
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
