You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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