my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
