Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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