i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
