Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize