Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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