i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
