I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
