Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
