just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
