I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
