Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
