Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
