Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
