Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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