People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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