I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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