yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
