Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
