I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize