we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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