i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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