After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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