one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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