I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
