Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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