i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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