is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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