His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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